There are many things I know I am: forgetful, flighty, fiery, five minutes late...five foot seven.
But this year I have been called things I have never been called before, to my face, behind my back and in print. (and I quote): a terrible mother, a fucking cunt, a self indulgent artist, a sexual predator, a fat cow, a disappointment to the family.
I know I am none of these things. I know I have never been any of these things and I have to keep reminding myself every day that they are lies.
I've also been called (and I quote): a loving mother, a hero for women everywhere, one of Canada's most courageous and intelligent playwrights, a daughter to be proud of, a true friend, and: Lucia could be four hundred pounds, a man - and still be smokin' hot. (my personal favorite)
I know I am none of these things - at least not all of the time...and I keep reminding myself every day that they are impossible ideals and to leave myself some room for failure because it's bound to happen.
I am a moron. Because I am human.
I am amazing. Because somehow I get to be a child of God.
The moment I forget one of these facts is the moment I am lost in some sort of ego trip, which is terrible parenting and makes for bad art.
Admittedly, there is part of my identity that has died this year. And it was necessary for it to die. It was the idea of me: someone capable of pleasing everyone with enough good meals, articulate phrases, and warm smiles. Oh the hamster wheels I have spun to "make them like me".
Some people will choose to hate me because they perceive me as powerful and some people will choose to love me because they perceive me as powerful and ultimately, it has nothing to do with me at all. Did Christ do anything to cause his crucifixion? Mostly it had to do with politics.
Strangely, this is a huge relief, this death of self.
Love me or hate me, that is your choice. Unfortunately. I wish I could make you love me. Life would be easier for both of us.
But I know this: I am a lover. Of life, of you, of story. And I take up a lot of space to do it. No apology. This is my living. And if I don't, this is my dying.
Lucia
